於星期五的假期，到了姊的家跟六個月大的外甥嬉戲，玩了一整天，加上搭巴士上山落山的兜轉彎路，搞得人有點迷糊。然後，又發現有不少外甥的相片未整理，夜半三更，還在搞... ... 就這樣，我決定餘下來的晚上和星期六的早上好好休息，下午再好好工作。
我到抵醫務所的時候，登記台的護士跟我說要多等個多小時左右。沒法子，眼真的又紅又痛，就等等吧。結果，在那裡，我等呀等，一邊看書一邊等... ... 手上拿著的一本書購自澳洲，但內容是關於七十年代的燈塔管理人員的工作和日常生活。一邊看，我就一邊在暗笑。
聽到這裡，定了神一會，真的想了一想，到底昨天做了甚麼呢？（答案）到了外甥那無污染的家，我沒化粧，沒有用MASCARA，更戴上有框眼鏡，不戴隠形眼鏡，讓眼睛休息... 勤洗手，跟外甥嬉戲，叫外甥不要捽眼... 然後想起，早幾個星期，好友的眼睛有細菌感染，我同樣地跟他說不要捽眼... ...
（這一刻，我腦海裡只浮現出星期四試菜的影像－－Lobster bisque & king prawn!!下個星期四，還會再吃呢！）
I believed there are quite some kinds of interaction between man and woman. Some of those are just superficial, not really 'friends'; some of those are really friends, they talk whatever they feel like, could be just something out of imagination or something about reality, all the sharings are really from deep inside their hearts; others are couples who would eventually get married.
I know friends who are quite into each other. They talk whatever, share all the laughter and tears. Yet, they wouldn't go with each other even though they both felt some kind of 'connection' in between. They know for sure that they could only be friends for the rest of their lives.
Actually, I once asked my friend, why that could happen. Why keeping that distance, and not just go closer to each other & stay together? -- that's the thought 10 years ago.
Today, 10 years later, my mind has changed after some life experiences about health, work, family, and relationship. I found it's sometimes good indeed to keep some distance away from somebody. Just not to let the relationship go further...
Once I thought that's either because one is not confident at walking rest of life together, or just doesn't have that courage. Later, I realized that there could be mutual understanding between them. And there is somehow a taste of love indeed.
In fact, such taste of love could be two feel a great sense of connection. Probably love doesn't mean that two have to go together, get married, and live together; even if two get married, it doesn't mean that there is true love between them.
P.S. Some friends did leave me messages after I wrote a quick line about 'a kind of distance' on facebook. One sugggested me listening to a song, another was mentioning a movie.
I listened to the song, and felt it's more about someone passed away, the partner could no longer hear his/ her breathe. All he/she could do is to feel the 'zero distance' in heart... whilst in the movie, it seemed to tell even two are together, they could be far apart from each other at heart.
Well, I think both of these are different from that kind of distance in my mind. The one I have in mind doesn't make people sad or regret. The distance is making a truly loving relationship. It makes two get even closer, and the relationship last forever.
At the 'wine + food tasting' afternoon, I was looking at the glass on the table next to me, and the sunset. There, I felt like seeing that kind of distance. It's reachable, but you just don't wanna catch it...
Have been wanting to write this piece 'A kind of distance' for a few days. However, I was just too busy - busy out there in the day, and busy at home in the evening. And I just slept for like 4 hours a day, making me so tired and not having the mood to write. Just don't feel like looking at anything, not reading, not thinking, and not writing. Although I know I've got lots of words to say, lots of things to write, just simply NO - I need some rest.
Then a week is gone, and it's going to be a public holiday on Friday. Long weekend is here!! On this Thursday, I would like to take a break, and work hard again tomorrow.
That's why I feel like writing again.
I was pretty busy on the day before holiday. My schedule was packed with meetings. Luckily, one of the meeting was actually a 'food + wine tasting'. While I was there at the restaurant for the long meeting, I got the chance to see the sunset, and the nightview of the Victoria Harbour. Probably that's good - bit relaxing time out of busy work!
After all the work, I felt like if I went straight back home - I would be thinking about work at the end. So, I decided, I should go out for a while, and have bit rest (of mind). I ended up heading to Central.
Coincident, my dear friend was in Central, AND I was having a bottle of red wine in hand...
Finally, we went to an old friend's 'private kitchen', ordered some bites, and we started drinking! We chatted and chatted... and our conversation made me feel like starting this 'A kind of distance'.
(To be continued)
At the 'food & wine tasting', I got wines with great food, plus the wonderful 188-degree harbourview. Not to miss - there was the sunset & night view. That is the relaxing moment out of the busy time.
Probably because this trip was mainly for learning purpose, and most of the itinerary was not under my control. So, selecting what I like & what I'd prefer to write out of the whole lot of information I got was just... HUGE LOAD OF WORK!
Also, as my itinerary was so well-planned, and I got a very tight schedule, I didn't really get a very good sense of location when I was there. Not to miss, all my mind was with the wines - the taste, vinegrowing, winemaking, the philosophies from the masters...
Basically, everything just was mixed all together after my journey of 17 days.
Well, but on the other hand, I should be happy about this. I bet all those actually tell my trip was such a fruitful and meaningful one. In fact, what I've gained from the trip was bit more than what I was expecting before.
Finally, after the 3 weeks of adjustment, I got my body more used to where I am now. I also got my mind put together, and I could write in Chinese by now!
So now, I can start writing - putting down everything in my wine journal & travel journal.
So there I was walking to the pier in Central, then I took the ferry.
I like taking ferry. Just simply because I felt happy to see the harbourview, and enjoy the seabreeze. And ferry is not that 'automatic' as compared to other transportation means in town. I chose to go on the lower deck. There I could hear the sound of the engine, smell the gas from the machine room, plus see what the sailors do there. Somehow interesting indeed.
Across the harbour, we went to a bar where we could see the full harbourview. All I could see were the buildings in fog, and the colorful lights. Looking at those, I asked my friends what the people in there could see - would it be just the fog?
All a sudden, I felt these buildings were like strangers to me. On the other hand, the fog made me feel so bored.
I could remember the foggy morning overseas, but sunrise would have got the fog away. Fog would be replaced by the sunshine. However, in Hong Kong, I just felt the humidity and the boredom only.
The foggy night also reminded me of the sunshine after rain in Australia a few weeks ago. Also, the green under sunshine indeed.
I love blue. I love green, too.
Or I should say it has been quite a weird week.
These days, I had quite some chats around
with friends, with family, and people whom I have not met for some time as we were all too busy.
We talked, we shared -
about happiness, excitement, childhood memories, work, love,
moody moments, laughter with tears, sadness with smile...
I found that I have been away for lot of time,
I wasn't here by their side.
Perhaps I knew it for long time,
but still - I wanted to go out and see the BIG BIG WORLD.
I wanted to take a deep breathe out there, and see if the smell is the same;
I wanted to see the sky, and have a look at how blue it is.
Today, I am here.
I was listening to the stories from my friends,
hearing the voices from my family,
and the scream from my little baby nephew.
I AM HERE.
I am ready to devote all my energy to work, family, love, friends, passions...
BUT, The thought of 'I AM HERE' made me feel weird this week.
Why was that - I have been thinking of going away as far as I can,
how come all a sudden I would say 'I am here'?
I asked myself.
Then today, I got the answer when I sent my friend a text message.
I was telling him that 'I saw the untouchable dream'.
I realized that I am only PHYSICALLY here, but
my mind is there with 'the untouchable dream'.
'The untouchable dream' has always been in mind probably.
However, it's just a dream - without any form,
not even something you could describe in words,
and you just can't touch it, hold it, or see it.
I felt like I saw it - 'the untouchable dream'.
Seeing that made me think it has become reachable.
Perhaps that is the reason for 'why I am here?'.
To reach the dream,
I have to be here, keep going,
and keep moving forward.
And, simply devote all my energy to work, family, love, friends, passions...
Then one day, a dream will no longer be just a dream.
I will be able to touch the dream.
In fact, I will be living there forever, because I have it realized!
It has been a really long vacation I had since almost like a year ago. During this time, I felt myself bit stuck, and simply was not moving forward on my career path. Perhaps because of the previous job and some personal matters, I couldn't really find myself back on the track and not as courageous as I used to be. Luckily, I got the support from my friends and family. That gave me some space to think and find out where I am & what I want.
I wasn't really working for the past year, just some part-time jobs. I could feel the disappointment deep inside, making me bit upset. I thought I did the best for my work, and tried my best to be true to everyone. Yet, in return, all I got were some misunderstandings and accusation. Although feeling disappointed and upset, I believe I couldn't take everything personal. I have to see what has happened, if there was anything I did wrong, and why it happened that way.
On the other hand, I thought I could be more focused, work all the best towards my job. Unfortunately, I got to go back to the sea out there... ...
Probably again, I was lucky. I heard the voice from heart, I learnt to do the best I can to keep myself in good shape, continue doing my best, and keep going. Plus, I believed the feeling of disappointment will go away eventually. I also learnt to understand things from different perspectives. With the different experiences, everyone would see things in a different way anyhow. All I can do is to respect others, understand how they handle matters in hand, and offer the best to most people I could.
I actually spent quite some effort to get away from that kind of upset feeling, and build up myself again. No matter it's because of myself, my friends & family, and my future. All I got to do is NOT to give up - myself, my career and my dream.
At first, it seemed like I didn't do much for the past year. In fact, I started building my teaching experience for the long-run; I successfully organized the Annual Dinner for my university alumni association, which has got almost 200 guests joining the dinner. I learnt quite a lot from this experience - about life and work, and I gained really valuable friendship. I also continued spending time for my Wine Diploma Studies. And I got the Scholarship to go abroad to Australia for further wine studies and winery visit.
Most important, I felt like I have picked up the faith and strength which I once had. On top, I got some kind of refreshing feeling in heart. That's why I made my brand new page with the refreshing mood, through the blue sky and the green.
都是記錄著某程度的存在價值 - 我的存在和真心活過的價值。
送上羅丹的雕塑@National Gallery of Australia：
Auguste Rodin (France, 1840-1917)
(Left) Nude study for Jean de Fiennes from The burghers of Calais c. 1885 - 1886
(Right) Nude study for Jean d'Aire from The burghers of Calais 1885 - 1886
[both cast 1974 by Georges Rudier Foundry, Paris]
爱莲说 (北宋）周敦颐 （yí）
** My interpretation will follow soon. Too sleepy now... have to go ZzzZzzzzzzz... **
Looking there at the sky in front of me,
I was stunned.
Seeing the clouds move, and then move away, disappear.
All made me feel interesting.
Of course, all everything could be explained in a scientific way -
how clouds are formed, how they move, what that means for the weather.
Yet, why is there on earth something called 'cloud'? I am really curious to know.
In local Chinese, there is saying that if you are like a cloud,
that means you don't know what you want somehow.
You are basically in the mystery - not knowing what to do.
However, I see it in different way.
I have seen quite different shapes of clouds.
They all mean something indeed.
And if you see some clouds in grey or almost turning to black,
that means thunderstorm is coming!
Clouds are there to tell something.
And they are never the same as other clouds.
Every single one is unique.
I am no way a scientist,
so I don't bother to understand how clouds are formed
and why they are in different shapes.
But I do like looking at the clouds,
and seeing the different shapes.
I somehow imagine there is 'flexibility' among the moisture making up the clouds.
So, how about our lives?
Can we really live our lives like a cloud?
I could remember when I was a child,
my teacher scolded at me, saying that I was like a cloud.
Just there not doing anything, not thinking, not understanding the teaching,
not hearing her words, etc... put it simple, i now interpret as 'you are so stupid'.
Now, thinking back - well, does it really matter?
It's probably just a way of different interpretation.
I now see the cloud as 'flexible', 'able to change', 'could tell something',
or even 'could predict the weather coming up'.
What if I put all these into our lives? That sounds good indeed!
What I wanna say at the end,
I think there are always two ways to see one single thing.
No matter it's a person, it's a place, it's a debate...
Of course, there are 'norms', or some 'rules of games',
but at the end, there are always 'left' and 'right', 'positive' and 'negative'.
I don't believe that if 9 out of 10 agreed to something,
all 9 of them are really 'correct'.
In fact, if the ONE speaks up,
perhaps the scene will be 4 agreed as originally confirmed,
but 6 will turn out going against that.
That's why at the end,
I guess what matters is whether someone will come out and speak up.
Plus, dare to make a difference.
I was so much into reading speech before.
I like reading all kinds of speech from the protest ones, the speech by the American President,
the Queen, the Prime Minister...
Sometimes, I would find the video clip and watch it over, how they deliver the speech.
All I see, I read, I hear - is their determination to make a difference.
I am not saying that just by shouting out, things will change.
Making the change requires hard work, and solid foundation in realizing the 'change'.
Yet, to make it, the first thing is the battle inside one's mind.
For sure, making the change, making the difference,
also requires some sort of sacrifice -
maybe giving up something today, in order to gain something in the future,
yet something not 'guaranteed'.
Is it like gambling, or investment?
You name it in your way.
Life has not changed, here I am.
Back to the living which I have been used to,
and the place where I should feel so close to.
Walking on the street this week, I looked around.
Perhaps subconsciously, I wanted to look for something I am familliar with.
However, I saw the new buildings, new restaurants, faces I didn't know...
Everything so new indeed.
Chance that when I walked pass some buildings or bars,
I wanted to recall if I was there before.
Not meant to be a test of my brainpower,
but simply hoped to know what I remembered.
Nothing - nothing I could remember,
as if all memories about this place were gone.
Today, a week after I came back from Australia.
I still remembered some of the days I've gone through.
Will I ever remember all of my days, or the moments?
Does it matter if I remember or not?
I used to think that memories would not fade away, because I 'remembered'.
I realized that memories will eventually go back to where they are from.
We cannot keep the memories.
All we 'remembered' were actually the feelings and the touch that the memories left behind.
I believe the feelings and the touch are eternal.
In contrast to memories, they will not go away.
They will live with us forever, even until after we pass away...
Thanks for my 'devilly angel' friend's call for drink in the afternoon.
Although I was kind of sick this morning,
I was so tempted to have a glass of wine tonight.
Perhaps some wine could help me feel better...
There, I was in Central for a drink!
My friends were not there with me finally - for no matter reason.
So, I was having my glass of wine, with the magazines I grabbed from the 'FREE' tray.
It was all emtpy there indeed, no one was there, except me & the bartender.
I didn't talk to him at all, instead - I was there reading, and thinking.
Sometimes, I could see the 'phantom' around - because there was a staircase,
with the glass door, having the spotlight shining over it.
When people walked down the staircase,
their shadow was like phantom passing by...
I spent almost like an hour and a half there,
reading and thinking.
Then I saw the two chairs there, nearby the window, looking over the street.
The seats looked really familar to me,
yes - really familiar.
I guess it was not because of the seats AT THAT PARTICULAR BAR,
but the distance between the chairs, and also the distance from me to the chairs.
I recalled at the occasion, when I was sitting next to another so close,
with the distance between that two chairs I've seen.
We were chatting, laughing, having fun, toasting, drinking.
Sometimes, there were simply silence, because none of us bothered to talk.
Why not just continue with people-watching, and enjoying our own thinking,
while sitting beside each other?
There was another occasion,
where we were at such long distance like that between me and the chairs -
nothing we could talk,
but we could only show some signals to each other.
Sending signals without words could be interesting sometimes.
It was as if telling something with your body language, or just a raise of your eyebrow,
and then shout without any noise 'Do you hear me?'.
So, do you hear me?
On Friday, I was there having a glass of white wine in the early afternoon,
reading the book I bought from Australia - titled 'The Good Life'.
That's the one about the Post-911 lives of a few New Yorkers.
Saturday evening, I went to the Annual Dinner at a club,
where there were heaps of Portuguese mood and smell.
I couldn't get away from the feeling of being in Portugal that whole night.
Sitting there, looking at the map up on the wall -
red lines connecting all spots around the world were starting from THAT single point.
Then the glass of red wine was from Portugal too,
with the unfamiliar grape names like 'Trincadeira',
but the smell and the taste was so close to me... so close to my heart.
Sunday, I finally got to meet my nephew after all the weeks apart.
He looks different - he could now sit straight up, he could turn his body,
and for sure he felt like crawling, yet still lack the strength to do so.
Yet, he's still my Nephew the King, with the family bond which I am always aware of,
and will last forever in my life and his life.
Today is ANOTHER MONDAY - meaning another week has begun.
May 2010 is here.
My trip to Australia has ended, my dream is over.
I am back in Hong Kong, I had my last weekend here, and a new start of week is ahead of me.
It seems as if life has changed after I came back -
I was out there away with the luxurious wine & dine experience;
I got the time enjoying wines under the blue sky;
I happened to experience the moved moments on the ANZAC Day;
I met a lady in hostel, who both the reception lady & I thought she presumably has got some mental problem indeed, and she talked to me for quite some time about her life.
Just everything I experienced has made me feel like life has changed.
'Has it really changed though?', I was asking myself today after I finished reading 'The Good Life'.
Life hasn't changed.
Here we are still who we are.
I am still a girl from Hong Kong,
hoping to go out from time to time,
drinking wines over the dinner,
going to the dinners and gatherings which I am supposed to be at,
playing with me nephew and seeing him grow up.
I found it really easy to assume that life has changed,
and once it is changed, we could not possibly go back.
In fact, life has always been the same. Nothing has changed.
What might have changed is our own selves.
We acquired new experiences, memories emerged, time elapsed...
we might choose to live the life we want or might not have lived before.
Possibly, we might choose to go with the flow, and live the life however it is.
Here we are - life has not changed, and probably it will never change.
In my dream, I saw this 'painting' through my eyes, and camera!
If that was a dream,
it was a really wonderful and unforgettable one.
I still remembered.
Everything was still so vivid in mind,
as if all were happened just yesterday.
In my dream,
I met angels from around, who love drinking good wines and having good food;
I was lying on the grass, seeing the blue sky above,
and watching the clouds move.
I felt the morning mist, and the smell of the wet grass.
In my dream,
I climbed up to the mountain,
and I saw the valley down under my feet.
Up there, I got my glass of white wine for breakfast.
It was just amazing!
In my dream,
I was thinking what if I would never wake up.
Shall I just stay here in my dream,
and forget all things around?
I knew it was not a dream.
Everything was so real,
but too real to believe.
Then that made it as if everything was a dream.
Now, I am here, I am back to everything I was used to.
My family, my friends, my room, the humid air, the dinners and gatherings...
The dream is over, but it has never gone far.
It has always been in my heart.
P.S. If it was a dream, shall I just stay there in my dream,
and forget all things around?
My answer is NO, I want to wake up.
I should not be staying always in THAT dream only.
I have to go out and see, and keep dreaming something else.
That would help me keep going, keep searching, keep exploring, and keep learning.
My next dream - South America!!